2018 is my Nike year. “Just do it!”
Today, I should be finishing up the book of Judges, Ruth, and starting the first chapter of 1 Samuel. Since the objective is to be finished reading the entire Bible by Easter, after that I plan on returning and doing a deeper study of certain passages and books that God lays on my heart. Still remembering to post photos and try to be more in the present through this practice. I have been reading a chapter or two a night of Sheila Walsh’s new book, In the Middle of the Mess: Strength For This Beautiful, Broken Life. I love Sheila and the way she allows God to use her voice. She is transparent, honest, and real. Most Christians hide their weaknesses and only play up their strengths, but she is someone that truly shows how God can do more with a broken, willing vessel than the perfect version of ourselves we idolize. When she says something, I sit up and take notice because she is someone acquainted with pain and suffering, but doesn’t let that be the end of her story.
I know it is just over two weeks, but I’m really proud of myself for pushing through on a daily basis and not giving up on these goals. With my family and friends, it’s so easy to encourage and motivate them. I honestly believe they can do whatever they set their mind to because they are amazing and I love them. However, as much as I can be their biggest fan, I’m my own worst enemy. Finding reasons why I can’t do something or why I shouldn’t do something should be more difficult than it is, but it’s not.
In a half-empty glass sits all my talents, abilities, and potential. More than anything I see what I’m lacking or missing. If only my singing voice was just a little bit better and my EoE didn’t cause problems with my vocal cords, then I would try out for the worship team at church. If only my health was a little stronger, than I could do more things like travel and experience the world. If only I knew I was going to succeed with absolute certainty, that in no way would I come across foolish or dumb, then I would sit down and write a book. If only I was easier to love, then I would have an abundance of people desiring to be in my life. I could literally write a book titled If Only, and every person that read it would need to go to therapy, especially if they made it to the end.
Not this year. Not in 2018.
This year I am focusing on what God has already accomplished within me. I’m training my mind not to romanticize the past, nor to look to the future as the answer to all my present dilemmas. The “if only’s” are still there, but each day as I read scripture God adds His name to the equation. “If only…then, God.”
Most of the dreams I have fantasized for my life are too small for what God wants to do, so I need to dream bigger dreams. Then, I need to take those dreams, and with God’s help transfer them from my imagination to reality.
Seeing God move in our lives requires courage, bravery, and complete trust. It’s so much easier to maintain the status quo and live in a comfortable bubble. The greatest gift that came from EoE was also the greatest curse: my life is gone. The person I was is gone. As scary as that was to go through and continue to go through, it’s also so freeing because I have been through the worst year of my life and with Jesus I have made it. I have endured what I thought would leave me destroyed and unrecoverable. There were days I prayed for death because of the physical and mental pain, other days where I felt utterly alone and unloved, but in it all He delivered me.
2017 was my year of grieving the life that will never be.
2018 is my year of saying, “God, make my life what you want it to be.”
Or as T-Swift would say, “I’m sorry, the old Sarah can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ‘cause she’s dead!”